We've all been there, staring at the wall at the Dr's office or DMV, trying not to look anyone else directly in the eye. Perusing magazines that are potentially crawling with gono-herpa-syphil-aids and slowly trudging through the painful eternity that is sitting in the waiting room. But have you ever thought to yourself during these torturous moments, "Am I the only one here that knows they are in public???"
I had the glorious opportunity to wait at the Dr's office for nearly and hour and forty five minutes today (I like how the time looks longer when I spell it out) and some of the things that I saw had me looking around for Candid Camera. Is this for real? Do these people truly believe that they are sitting at home, alone on their Cheeto stained couches? Or do they just not know what it means to act in ways that are socially acceptable? Perhaps it is the latter. Therefore, I have decided to put an end to these public faux pas by bringing them to light. So sit up, take your hand out of your pants and pay attention!
1. It is never acceptable to pick anything in public. Not your nose, not your teeth, not your scab, zit, dry skin, or (God forbid!) your crotch!
2. It's never ok to look at a woman's breasts and ask her if she is still nursing. Especially not if she is your coworker's wife. And definitely not at the company Christmas party.
3. You should never try to find a new ringtone in a waiting room. Why don't you jam out to the digital remix of "Baby Got Back" on your own time?
4. If there are 50 chairs in a waiting room and only 3 people waiting, choose a chair that is not directly adjacent to another human being. Unless you know that person intimately or you are a creeper, you have no reason to sit near enough to touch them.
5. Ok Bono, we are not at a rock concert. Stop humming, tapping, drumming, bopping and singing to the music in your head. I'm sure it's a great song, I just don't really enjoy your personal rendition.
6. Reading in public is a great way to remain socially acceptable, until you start to share. I'm sure you found that joke in your book hilarious. Please, don't read it out loud so we can all enjoy it too. Remember, we are strangers after all.
7. I completely understand that sometimes there aren't as many chairs as there are helpless victims in a waiting room, but please, do not stand behind me and read over my shoulder. You stalker.
8. If you think you'll be sitting in close quarters, such as a full flight or bus trip, brush your teeth. Shower. At least throw on some deodorant and pop a breath mint. Please.
9. Crying in public isn't really ok. We all do it. But we try to do it in private, where no one has to see us snotting all over ourselves...
10. It is never ok to bring your tuna sandwich with, what I can only assume must be limburger cheese, to a crowded, public place. EVER.
11. Playing games on your phone or tablet is definitely ok. Leaving the sound cranked up to 11 is not. *Ribbit* *Ribbit* *Squish!* Man, this lady sucks as Frogger.
12. Talking on your cell phone is generally frowned upon in waiting rooms. But talking on your cell to, what I assume is your lover? about your husband??? This is absolutely unacceptable. You just forced me to eaves drop on your astonishingly personal (and slutty) private life. I feel dirty just being near you now.
13. It will never be ok for you to change your child's diaper on the seat in the waiting room. If there is a bathroom within 5 square miles, find it. Use it. I do not want to see (and smell) that little Jimmy is here at the doctor because of his neon green diarrhea.
14. It's totally appropriate to watch a movie on your laptop, with headphones, during exceptionally long waits. It's totally inappropriate, however, to watch anything that you would not want a bunch of strangers to know you're watching...Yikes.
This section is for those of you who are, for lack of a better word, Chatters. Whether on a plane or in a waiting room, these people feel the need to fill the silence with their thoughts, questions and opinions. If you are one of the many Chatty Cathies I've met over the years, best read ahead carefully, you might even want to take notes:
1. You are not as funny as you think you are. No, the receptionist did not want to hear your long (and fairly racist) joke. She gave you a pity laugh, quit explaining yourself and take your seat.
2. Hey extremely loud (and possibly drunk) woman sitting next to me. No thanks, I don't want to discuss what I'm reading, what shows I watch on Saturday nights, why I'm here at the doctor or where I'm traveling. Please, don't show me your mole cluster (Seriously???) or openly discuss your marital problems. I'm just not that into you.
3. It is never ok to read the questionnaire that the doctor has given you out loud. It's even less ok to ask questions of the person next to you. "Excuse me, what do they mean by 'anal leakage?'"
4. When at the Pediatrician, please do not be the Mom that asks all the other Moms in the waiting room intimate questions about their children and then tries to one-up them after they answer. "You were in labor for 12 hours? Oh, I was in labor for 79. I had 112 stitches." Wow. Thanks for that...
5. It's never ok to ask a woman whether her baby is a boy or girl and then proceed to ask, "Oh, really???"
If you have been reading this post and are suddenly struck by the fact that you are, indeed, one of the socially inept, do not despair. It is not too late to change who you are. Next time you go out in public, just ask yourself, "Would I want to see someone else wiping this booger in between the pages of this magazine?" If the answer is no, put down the magazine, walk out the door and never venture into public again.
