I remember the days well. Though, perhaps not as well as you. Things have a haze over them now. A fog that leaves them without clear detail, fuzzy around the edges. The sleepless nights nursing by the glow of a muted tv, the incessant, persistent screaming of a baby incapable of being comforted, these things are just foggy flashes now. But I know they were real. I remember crying almost as much as that sweet new baby girl. I remember staring out the window and feeling the world caving in around me. I remember it all. I remember it because I lived it. I lived it and made it through.
Dear younger me, you're not alone. Though it seems like you have no one who understands, no one who comprehends the constant pain and loneliness of having a high needs newborn, I'm here to say you'll be ok. The fears that are a barrage late at night, the ones that whisper, There's something wrong with her. There's something wrong with you. You're failing. She's suffering because you're her mother. Shame on you. Those will fade. Not completely. But I promise you, as that sweet baby grows and blossoms into a rolly, chubby, fun loving baby; into a tenacious, bright, energetic toddler; into a diligent, kind, compassionate child; you will find relief. You will know that there are victories in motherhood.
And, can I let you in on a secret, younger me? You'll see the greatest success because of the hardships you now face. You'll know victory when you see that she is a wonderful friend, because you prayed friendship over her so diligently. You'll know happiness when you hear her tell you and her Daddy how she loves you, when you hear her soft, clear voice reading and singing and laughing so much more than screaming, because you pleaded with God for the screaming to stop. You'll experience the most explosive sort of love when you see what an amazing big sister she is to your two younger girls, because you prayed kindness and love over her.
She is equipping you now for bigger things ahead. She is stretching your patience so you'll have a large well to draw from in years to come. She is increasing your faith for the times ahead when you'll need to cling to God for your life. And one day, there will be incredible joy in motherhood, where now you only see confusion, incompetence, and pain.
So, younger me, I pray you'll keep your chin up. I pray you'll find a way to cherish the moments that are good. I pray you'll tuck each smile into you're heart. I pray you'll memorize the feeling of that velvety soft head pressed into your shoulder. That you'll never forget that delicate hand against your chest. These moments are more than fleeting. They are a breath that passes when you're not paying attention. Hold tight, younger me. Hold tight to today and have faith in tomorrow.
